May 2011

This month, we celebrated a pre-Memorial Day BBQ @ Cosmo’s house. Unfortunately, Peg couldn’t join us this time, but she’ll be back for the tea party. We dined on lots of wonderful things: mussels; pasta salad; tortellini kebobs; cake; pie; cookies; cold drinks on tap; hot dogs; and shrimp skewers. Kate provided a table full of colorful buckets w/ tiki lighters (that looked dirty) & pretty floral hairclips. Some of us used them to put up our hair as it was quite warm. The hot tub was set up, but only Patt went in during our half time break. She was relaxing while Debi was kicking Phyllis’ ass at some lawn darts. After the outdoor activities, we came back in to stuff ourselves some more w/ all the dessert goodies! Lori baked a red velvet cake that she personalized w/ Pokeno chips & our names! I grabbed some goodies & went back downstairs. I thought everyone was following, but I was wrong. Anyway, while I was down there, I overheard, “You have to turn the pot ON for the coffee to actually brew!” Always a helpful tip! At the end of the night, more than one of the Pokeno Sisters was complaining about tummy aches from eating too much deliciousness!

One interesting thing about the evening - according to some religious wing nuts somewhere – it was going to be the rapture/end of the world! What better place to be than in the basement w/ your friends & family? As you can see by the writing of this blog thingy here - it didn’t happen! But, it made for lots of jokes & giggles throughout the evening.

Patt decided to play some wacky version of beer pong & tried to bounce a balled up napkin into Marge’s cup @ the other end of the table. That plan didn’t work at all & the wad actually plopped into Phyllis’ drink! Patt tried again later, we all covered our drinks. It turned into another running joke of the night.

There was lots of drama before Spanky’s call! She was one of the last people to call, so it was later in the evening & she was VERY antsy by this point! Lori went to pour a drink when it spilled all over the table/cards/floor/Patt! Oh no! Flagged! We frantically rush to get paper towels & clean up the mess, when here come the dogs to help! Dogs probably shouldn’t be drinking vodka... I proceeded to scoop up the dogs & run them upstairs. I shut the door, come back down & Kate tells me, “You know, they can get through the cat door…” 15 mins & many paper towels later, Phyllis finally got her chance to call. Spanky won the first cover all of the night. I didn’t note who won the 2nd. Maybe you remember…maybe it was you? I can assure you it was NOT me!

MYSTERY PACKAGE

It’s NOT in a box! So, therefore & henceforth it will be known this month as a “package”. It turned out that birthday magic was in the house instead of “hostess luck” because Debi won Marge’s gift! Marge prefaced the giveaway by telling us if we didn’t want it, we could pass or whatever. This made everyone think it was gonna suck! But, underneath the sports section of the paper (which Debi had to stop & read) was a hand-stitched “God Bless America” cross-stitch sampler. Everyone thought it was really cool & Deb was very lucky to win! I wonder what she’ll bring for the Tea Party Mystery. I guess we’ll see in July! And, now onto that bit of business…

A VERY IMPORTANT DATE!

Don’t be late for our annual birthday Tea Party @ Patt’s house! Well, at least try not to be… This year, we will be celebrating on SATURDAY, 7/9 @ 2:00. Everyone was too busy in June to agree on a date, so we just pushed the party to July. As usual, please come dressed for tea & bring your gift!

Speaking of gifts…we had to pick Pollyanna for this event. We knew well in advance that Peg wasn’t coming, so we made arrangements w/ her via text. We’re SO 21st century around here! Debi helped me figure out a plan to ensure that Peg wouldn’t get herself – I just wouldn’t put her in! Brilliant! Only, I dropped her slip into the pile after filling it out & totally messed up the plan! Geez! I fished back through the pile & scooped her out so we could carry on as planned. It was smooth sailing from there & we all got our people! Speaking of birthdays…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

We had 2 lovely Pokeno sisters celebrating birthdays this month. It was Marge & Debi! Thanks to Lori donating an extra tiara to the bag, we had 1 crown for each lady! Debi’s tiara brought her super powers! It won her the Mystery & it helped her call well!

STUFF THAT SUCKS

#1 – LG products! Debi told us that as she’s finishing up her kitchen remodel, she purchased some new appliances. All from LG. Apparently, there’s been nothing but problems w/ the dishwasher & fridge since they were installed! She recommends you don’t make the same mistake in your own home.

#2 – Shamwow! You may (or may not) remember, 2 birthday parties ago…Debi had Kate for Pollyanna. She thought it would be funny to gift Kate her very own Shamwow in honor of her fabulous Halloween costume. Kate used it & threw it in w/ laundry to clean it. She put it in the dryer & wow indeed! It shrunk to a fraction of its original size! She called it a “Sham-don’t”!

RANDOM FUNNIES

Tighter & Whiter? It’s not really that bad… we were talking about dying your hair & that was Beauty School Spanky’s take on going blond. We were all remarking on how nice Patt’s blond looked. That led to another conversation about never dying your hair in anger! It only ends up w/ you spending too much time & money in the salon to have a professional fix it!

Burning Bush! I mentioned previously that Cosmo gave us all some fabulous tiki lighters. Patt was sitting (in her bathing suit – she’s not naked!) & playing w/ her lighter trying to figure out how to light it when we realized it was upside down & she was about to set her incredibly flammable 2 piece on fire! Good thing this was prior to Patt getting vodka spilled all over her, or it could’ve been even worse! Stop, drop & roll - it’s not a hot flash; you’re actually on fire…

For Hire! Spanky offered up a new service -“Professional Pokeno Consultant”. She says if you need her to call, she’ll assist! I’m not sure if there are any other uses/duties/tasks for a “Pokeno Consultant”, but she only wants to use you to get herself to call quicker anyway!

Ass Noises! No, it wasn’t really from your butt & had absolutely nothing to do w/ “butt stuff”. Some of us were barefoot & when your foot rubbed the table, it would make a sound like you were passing gas. The chairs were making noises too! However, none of these noises compared to the actual ass-blasting that took place over @ the bar…you know who you were…

THIS IS THE END

There was lots of fun in May! It will be a while until we meet again, but hopefully that will just make our birthday/tea party even more exciting! Until next time, may the foxiest bitch win!

April 2011

We had our “Spring Fling” @ Debi’s this year. Everyone was very excited leading up to the game & everyone had a really great time! We were all in attendance this month where we ate ham, macaroni & cheese, green bean casserole, candy/cookies/cake, onion dip, pimento cheese (“caviar of the south”), and some devilled eggs. Debi provided little crystal trays to store our snacks on. Phyllis made dessert this month – spring cookies & “Spike the Lamb” cake. Cheers to our resident celebrity chef for such a lovely treat. So lovely in fact we were all scared to cut into it! Phyllis took care of that – starting w/ his fluffy frosting head! Deb asked that we all show up “around 5-ish”. Marge drove 2 towns further before realizing she’d gone too far & had to turn around to come back. Kate guided Spanky & I without any incident this time (NO u-turns needed!) and even a police escort for a few blocks! Peg & Lori didn’t get there until after 5:30 because Peg fell asleep in the tub! Purple was the color of the evening with 5 outta 8 coming in the springtime fresh shade. During the first cover all, Lori won every pot until Cosmo took the cover all! Her bra is full again! Patt & Debi kept hitting center pots all night. At the end of the night, some “hostess luck” paid off for Deb who won that cover all by herself!

Part of the evening festivities was a good old-fashioned Easter egg hunt! Debi was going to have it in the back yard, but due to inclement weather, we hunted her den instead. We agreed to have a designated hunt @ half time. Phyllis took a potty/snack break as her opportunity to “pounce”! She snuck out there & found 2 eggs while I was peeing! We all laughed & she was penalized from finding any more. Amongst the eggs, there was 1 with a very special surprise inside! That one was found by Patt – inside the egg was 60 cents! The rest of us got a bunch of springtime stickers to decorate our cards & ourselves with.

The only down side to the night was the weather! It rained most of the day & as we arrived to Debi’s, Patt was getting weather updates about tornado warnings & such! There was a big line of tornados that moved through the Midwest/south lately, so it’s no joke! Our plan was go to the basement in case of emergency. Luckily, it was just bad lightning & heavy rain. Deb’s house was a “haven in the storm” on a dark & stormy night! As we were leaving, it was calm/warm/nice even! Turns out that was literally the “calm before the storm”. I got a text telling me bad stuff was on the way & sho’ ‘nuff – about 5 minutes into our ride home, the rains came with a great vengeance & furious anger (Ezekiel 25:17)!!! Cosmo was a brilliant pilot – getting us through flooded out roadways and home safely! No sooner did this massive storm hit & it was done! Here’s hoping for better weather next time!

1ST BBQ OF THE SEASON

After much debate…we finally decided on the next Pokeno. It will be held SATURDAY, 5/21 @ Kate’s house. It will be a Pre-Memorial Day BBQ. Kate will be grilling up shrimp skewers, please bring sides/salads/snacks/dessert/beverages. In honor of our independence, please feel free to wear whatever you want! No bra? That’s OK! Red, white & blue? It’s all up to you!

MYSTERY BOX

There was a spring-theme to Peg’s Mystery. Marge was the winner this time. I’d like to note here that there’s a new record of longest losing streak! That would be me…I haven’t won a Mystery in a year & ½! Anyway, enough whining…back to the story… So, Marge won the Mystery! Peg went back to our “olden thymes” Pokeno where we would find stuff lying around the house to donate. There was a decorative bunny tree; a wire butterfly basket filled with eggs, candy & surprise bunnies. Everything came out of Peg’s attic – everything but the candy of course!

RANDOM FUNNIES

Breast Break! We took one of these to discuss why proper undergarments are SO important! Always worth the extra bucks – especially if you’re among the bustier of our crew (you know who you are…)!

Po-kee-nooooooo! Debi was sure she had Pokeno, but not sure if she actually had a flush or not. So, she said the opening line in slow motion while she counted. I’m not sure how that turned out, but the line was used a few more times during the evening just for fun!

THIS IS THE END

The April Rag has been short & sweet (unlike its author who’s more tall & sarcastic). Here’s looking forward to more fun in May! Until next time, may the foxiest bitch win!

March 2011

(Editor’s note) - Due to the deliciousness of the Appletinis that Kate provided, most of the evening & my notes are a blur. I apologize in advance for any parts of this month’s Rag that don’t make sense!

This year, I was hostess for our St. Patty’s party. Everyone came in their finest green attire & was “Irish” for the evening. Unfortunately, Marge couldn’t make it this month due to an emergency situation. Otherwise, we were 7 strong & had a lot of fun! We dined on cheesy lasagna; salad bar; ham & cheese roll ups (there’s still burnt cheese in the bottom of my oven); fruit w/ dip; margarita pie and spinach/artichoke dip served w/ sourdough bread. Kate brought her super fantastic drink making machine and whipped up some green drinks (Appletinis & Grasshoppers). Peg made Irish potatoes too. There was a dish on the table to share & she also made everyone their own Chinese take home boxes full. Ever so thoughtful, she even made a special box of chocolate for Marge who doesn’t like coconut. Debi promised to deliver them on Monday. I wonder if they ever made it… I passed out shamrock bags full of Philadelphia Cream Cheese goodies (spoons, coupons, notepads, magnets, recipe books, necklaces & bracelets) to everyone. Lori had stuff to share too! She passed out wallets that she chose especially for each of us, paid our dues for the night, funded our first round & gave us pins to wear in memory of her Irishman dad who passed away in January.

Phyllis was being helpful by telling us to “put out your hands” whenever we won so she could deliver our winnings. Debi & Phyllis split the first cover all. I had a lucky duck to give away, but forgot to note who won. At the end of the night, Peg won the final cover by herself after Patt & I both missed the 3 of hearts being called! Apparently, Deb kept hitting something, but I can’t read my own handwriting to know if it was a pot or a person! There was no “hostess luck” for me this month – I only hit 2 pots all night! Not sure if my lack of concentration on Pokeno was because of those delicious drinks, or because I was also trying to watch the Flyers game (while playing & scribbling illegible notes). On a positive note – at the end of the OT shoot out, the orange & black clinched a playoff spot! Woo hoo! Let’s go Flyers!!!

SPRING FLING

In an effort to finally put away her Christmas decorations…Debi has kindly offered up her house to welcome spring! Please make your way to Casa de Juggs on SATURDAY, 4/16 around 5-ish. We will be having a traditional spring feast of ham, mac & cheese, pineapple pudding, deviled eggs, and green bean casserole.

MYSTERY BOX

This month, the Mystery went from Phyllis back to Peg again! Inside the handcrafted & hand-stamped wrapping paper was a beautiful Irish wreath, there was also a tin filled w/ Irish crème truffles (that Peg was nice enough to share), “lucky” dimes (they were all dimes that Spanky found lying around), and a lovely handcrafted choker & earring set.

RANDOM FUNNIES

Po Po Platter! That’s when you hit Pokeno & Postage at the same time! I wrote down this was “by Phyllis”. Not sure if she coined the funny or if she won the money…

Queen of…pointy one! Patt uttered this during her call. I’m pretty sure this is what prompted her to pass the calling over to me after she only called twice. Not that I was in any better shape to call! This stuck for the rest of the night & we all kept laughing about it!

Butt things? Ok, that’s all I wrote… I didn’t elaborate w/ any further notes… wonderful…. If any of you can remember what this was about, please let me know. I’m sure it was funny. Maybe I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t move my pen!

Debi Funnies! I noted up there that Deb kept hitting something all night. She apparently threatened someone by saying, “You’re lucky I’m on the chair!” Or maybe, she was lucky she wasn’t falling off…I really wish I could remember more of what happened this month. When it was her turn to call, Deb made another funny while passing on her call because…get ready…”it’s not in the cards”! Who knew we had so many comediennes in our group?

Lube it up! Someone was having trouble getting their dimes in the pots. Someone said, “Dime won’t go in? Try KY!”

THIS IS THE END

This month, I’d like to close w/ some Irish wishes. #1 May you live as long as you wish and wish for nothing as long as you live. #2 (provided by another Foxy Sister) May the roof above us never fall in and may the friends gathered below never fall out. Until next time, may the foxiest bitch win!

February 2011

Our annual “love fest” was held @ Spanky’s again this year. We came ready to play in our comfy clothes & brought comfort food to share. Everyone was in attendance this month and a swell time was had by all! We dined on spinach shells, sausage/peppers, broccoli & ham ring, snacks, antipasto, cheesecake & cream puffs. Not to mention all the chocolate-dipped goodies Phyllis whipped up. There were strawberries, fudge, pretzels, chocolate bark, even potato chips!

Phyllis had a game arranged for us (imagine). It was called “Thief of Hearts”. Every time you won Pokeno, you were awarded a heart. Phyllis gave all of us one of her handcrafted hearts to start the game. Each one was unique. Some fit to print were “Valentine Diva”, “Sugar Baby” & “Big Tease”. The only problem w/ getting a prize for winning Pokeno is sometimes you have to share your winnings. This led to what Spanky dubbed a “sudden death” situation! You had to draw a card to determine the “thief”. At the end of the night, Peg won after a “sudden death” with me & Kate. Her prize was a stained glass heart wreath sun catcher. It’ll go perfect in her kitchen!

I know I said up there @ the top of this month’s Rag that it was a “love fest”…more like a “TOUGH love fest”! I hollered an obscenity to Peg after she won something I was waiting on, but I meant it w/ love so it was ok. Later on, Peg was throwing chips @ Debi after she hit yet another flush! Lori was afraid to call any clubs out of fear of Peg’s chip-throwing wrath!!! Lori thought she had 4 corners (a really fat pot). As she was picking it up, good ol’ eagle (or is it “rooster”)-eyed Marge spied Lori really had a Postage Stamp! It was a really big difference in weight! But, at least Lori still got that! Marge, Phyllis (damn hostess luck) & Peg all split the 1st cover all. And it looks like Kate’s bra bag is back up to an A cup after she won the 2nd cover all by herself.

MYSTERY BOX

Someone (Cosmo) told Peg during the last meeting that she should make her Mystery “Naughty or Nice”. Apparently, Peg did a little of both (more about that in a minute). We went round the table picking cards. Deb had the highest card, but decided to pass since she just had it last month. So, we went round the table once more & this time the re-pick worked for Spanky & she was the big winner!!! The “Nice” items were: heart-shaped box of chocolates; mini yellow rosebush & candle. Now for the “Naughty” part. It was some VERY naughty lube! Yadda, yadda, yadda…if you were there, you might remember some of the other stuff that is completely unfit to print here! Phyllis (& the rest of us) was very happy that she got to call first!

WE’RE GOIN GREEN

Wear some green & be camouflaged like a chameleon in my “Green Room” for our belated St. Patrick’s party. Make your way over to Casa de la Flicka on SATURDAY 3/19 @ 5:00. I will be providing super cheesy lasagna, Phyllis is making spinach artichoke dip, Peg is making Irish Potatoes & Kate will be providing green drinks (not beer)! This party pretty much planned itself. It was the easiest date/time agreement ever!

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

That means pay attention here!!! Our beloved Treasurer (Spanky) had an official announcement to make. As the official Pokeno secretary, it’s my duty to reprint it for posterity. Here-ye, here-ye…if you find your finances are a bit tight for that night’s game, please see Phyllis (confidentially) & let her know. She will happily loan you some dimes to get through the evening. The money in the Pokeno Treasury is for everyone to share! So, please, don’t ever let the fact that you’re short on dimes stop you from enjoying a fun-filled evening w/ friends!

RANDOM FUNNIES

Sausage Fest! Kate & I escaped our houses a bit early to head over to Spanky’s house. While we were chatting, Phyllis told us about this upcoming trip that Mark has planned to go to WV w/ his (man) friends. They’re going to the woods of WV (insert dueling banjos here) to a shack (more banjos) to make 4 different kinds of sausage! There’s nothing gay about grown men going to a retreat in the middle of the woods to stuff meat!!!

What’s It Called? A few rounds into the evening, things were going smoothly when Patt says, “I got one of those things” and makes a square shape w/ her hands. That would be 4 Corners, or was it a Postage Stamp? Either way, it was really funny!

Karma Train! A little while after the above incident, Debi won a super fat 4 Corners! She decided to showboat w/ the pot & wound up spilling it all over her spot! See, that’s what you get for showing off!!! Tisk, tisk!

Holy moly! Peg said this after hitting a center late into a call. We all giggled & it stuck for the rest of the night whenever something happened, “Holy moly”!!!

Looks like that’s all the love we could handle this year! Maybe the “luck of the Irish” will be with us next month! Until next time, may the foxiest bitch win!

January 2011

Happy New Year!!! Once again, we celebrated @ the Tiki Bar. 2011 started off with much drama & a few sisters short. The stupid weather people called for “snow showers” & arrangements were made to accommodate that. However, the stupid weather people lied & it was just cold instead. Patt was running late (imagine). Peg showed up & I asked where Lori was. Unfortunately, she was at the hospital w/ her ailing father. She was missed, but we all agreed that she was doing the right thing! Then Debi showed up & informed us that Marge wouldn’t be coming for whatever reason. So, with just the 6 of us, we played on… Debi hit 3 pots in a row! A few rounds later, Peg did the exact same thing! Peg won the 1st cover all & Phyllis won the 2nd one. We wrapped up at some point (don’t remember when) and went home. Bellies full & good time had by all! Way to start off the New Year!

We dined on many an appetizer. We had crab nachos, sausage & cheese balls, broccoli/ham/swiss ring, pot stickers, shrimp Rangoon-type things, fancy brie & olives, summer sausage/cheese/crackers, nuts & fruit dip. Patt was supposed to bring fruit & Debi was gonna bring the dip, but at the last minute, Patt pulled out her inner Martha Stewart & whipped up a lovely meat/veggie/cheese in a pastry ring! Wow! Cosmo provided cocktails & chocolate liqueur candies. Even in Lori’s absence, she sent 2 bottles of champagne along w/ Peg so we could have a nice pre-game toast.

As mentioned previously, there was much drama @ the table. I’m sad to report that Lori’s father did in fact pass away over Pokeno weekend. I’m also sad to report that not only did she lose her dad, but her cat died last week too! That’s like some bad country song… Another feline fatality was Debi’s cat. Then Kate piped in about how her step-mom’s cat met the big yarn ball in the sky last week too! What the hell is going on around here? Spanky was having her own issues! First, her heater crapped out, and then she wound up w/ a whole laundry list of feminine-related issues. Let’s hope that’s all the drama for 2011. We got it all out in the first month? Whaddya think?

MYSTERY BOX

The very first Mystery of the New Year was provided by Juggs. She apologized in advance for her “haphazard” Box. But, given the crazy week she had, we all understood! Peg was the big winner! There was a bird theme to it. Debi said this was very fitting in memory of her late bird-watching cat. There was a bird nest on top of the box. Apparently, bird’s nests are “good luck”! Maybe that’s what led to her winning the 1st cover all… Inside the box there was a cardinal table pad; notepad; bird feeder & suet. There was also lotion; Chap Stick; a candle & hot cocoa to use while bird watching!

SUPER COMFY LOVE

Our Valentine party will be held at Phyllis’ on SATURDAY 2/12 @ 5:00. She’s having a “super comfy” theme. Come in your comfy clothes & bring your favorite comfort food to share.

SHOUT OUTS

Here’s a big ol’ happy birthday shout out to Patt who turned…um…something at the beginning of the month. What’s the worst thing about birthdays? People who insist on singing (badly) to you & feel the need to mock the aging process by actually asking you how old you are… What’s the best thing about birthdays? A trip to the beach & winning @ Pokeno!

RANDOM FUNNIES

This month, it’s more like – “Crap Cosmo Said”! First up, she won flush, but took 4 corners instead! I can see where that could be confusing since they both start w/ an F… Phyllis called her a “retard”. Peg immediately started telling Spanky she wasn’t being very nice. Then there was debate over what to call the “Pokeno challenged”. At the end of the debate, Kate settled on “Ree Ree”!

Later in the evening, she shouted “Boo-yah!” after winning Flush & Pokeno at the same time. Her new name should be “Talkalottasmack”!

Cheers to my Pokeno Sisters & a bright, shiny new year! May our dimes be plentiful, our cocktail glasses & tummies always full, and our spirits high! Until next time, may the foxiest bitch win!

December 2010

To quote Mr. Tom Petty…”it’s Christmas all over again”! For the 2nd year in a row, Juggs hosted. Only, this time we didn’t have to drive to DE! We travelled jollily to her “homey” home to hang out w/ 5 cats, 2 dogs, exchange some gifts, eat some food & eventually play some cards! We ordered pizza & wings and there was also a veggie tray, spinach dip, cherries, Cosmos & cookies. As usual, nobody left hungry! After some of us got lost in Chiselhurst (after Kate tells us, “I always get lost in Atco”), we fired up the handy dandy GPS & made it to the party right around 4:20. We were hanging out for at least an hour before I even started taking notes. Much of that time was spent snacking and….yadda, yadda, yadda…some things are just completely unfit to print! We started our first hand @ 7:30! Debi was first caller & dropped the cards twice! After the 2nd dropping, she passed calling duties to me. Patt passed her call too so Spanky could call even sooner! At one point during the evening there was a very rare moment of silence! This is such a rarity that I had to note it. By this time, everyone was crashing from the sugar in the cookies & we were trying to regain conciseness w/ some coffee. As everyone was in their holiday food coma, someone was actually paying attention! Believe it or not, it turned out to be Lori! Its good when @ least 1 outta 8 is on the ball!

During this time, Debi announced her “Angel Raid”. She tweaked the idea that Spanky uses @ the Toga Party & passed out angels for a center instead of panties! You were only allowed to have 1 angel @ a time, but if you hit center, you could exchange an angel w/ another sister (more about that later). At the end of the night, we got to take our angels home as a lovely parting gift. Another “gift” from Debi was the party poppers. We all gathered them up to pop in unison, but Peg & Kate were scared it was gonna be too loud & plugged their ears. Even w/ 6 of us popping @ same time, it was about as noisy as a cheek pop! Inside the packages were party crowns, a tiny toy & lame jokes (not fortunes)! We all took turns reading our jokes aloud. The poppers were a big hit! Cosmo was noted to keep winning center all night! We called our 1st cover all around 9-ish when some “hostess luck” paid off & Debi won the cover all by herself! Marge, Peg & Lori left after that. The rest of us hung around for another round & split around 10-ish. A very festive time was had by all! Thanks again to Debi for being such a wonderful hostess.

MYSTERY BOX

Lori was responsible for the Jolly Old Mystery this month. Being the hostess paid off for Debi who was the big winner. Phyllis wanted to note that she was “bamboozled again!” after Deb originally picked 2 cards & we made her do-over, she pulled the Ace to beat Spanky’s King. There was a Santa theme to the box. Inside the giant Santa-wrapped box were a bunch of smaller Santa-wrapped gifts. There was a lump of coal; Santa mints; Santa Pez; Santa stocking w/ mini candy canes. We were chuckling over the size of the canes when Phyllis told us, “It’s not the size – it’s the tricks it can do!” That led to about 10 mins of hysterical giggling around the table. When we had regained our composure, Debi continued unwrapping to find: lollipops; Chocolate Santas filled w/ caramel & marshmallow. Then someone said, “Tis the season to share”! Deb shared them w/ Patt & Peg. Then there were a pair of Holiday socks, hand towel & mat. After the mat, someone said, “Santa can look at your crotch while you do the dishes!” More laughter…someone added, “What if she uses as a shower mat?” Even more laughter!!! Now, Debi will be responsible for the first Mystery of 2011.

APPARENTLY WE WERE ALL “NICE”

It may have taken 45 minutes, but we all managed to exchange gifts in an orderly fashion. I think everyone got what they wanted! Here’s the run-down: Debi had Phyllis. She got an AMC gift card & sparkling cinnamon candle. Phyllis gave Lori a box of super-great chocolates & bottle of orange vodka. Not sure how the 2 of them would taste together… Lori had an interesting predicament. She had her slip, but the person who filled it out forgot to sign her name. It turned out that person was Cosmo! She got cookies, a bunch of candles and (the most important thing) something hand-crafted. Lori gave Kate a framed version of a similar paper she did for all of us that had our best traits listed. Kate had Debi. On her slip, Deb asked for wine & “a massager like Phyllis”? What? Apparently, during the Halloween party, Deb showed everyone Phyllis’ neck wrap thingy – but Kate didn’t remember. So, Kate had a little fun…she wrapped a hand pump box w/ stickers & tags that said “Dilldoe”! Inside the box was actually a bottle of wine. In another box was a real massager too! I had Peg. Her Pollyanna slip said, “You know me well enough by now…” So, I went w/ a coffee theme. There was a French press; asst. coffees; Tastykake; mug & candle. Then, Peg had me! I got everything on my list! Bag of Doritos & Coca Cola; candles; and a gift card for Old Navy! Patt lost her slip & didn’t know who she had! She saved her gift for last & turns out it was Marge. She gave her a really funny card; angel & Wood wick candle. In another switcheroo, Marge had Patt! She gave her some books & jigsaw puzzle of boathouse row.

5…4…3…2…1…HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Is everyone ready for 2011? Come ring in the new year @ Cosmo’s Tiki Bar on SATURDAY 1/15. Cocktail hour starts @ 5:00. Game starts around 6-ish. Kate promises a “short man in fancy dress”. Not an actual dress… Bring your favorite appetizer to share and get ready to win or lose for the first time in the New Year!

RANDOM FUNNIES

The handi-capable cat! Debi is quite the animal lover. As noted in the opening bit up there, she has 5 cats & 2 dogs. One of the cats only has 3 legs! Debi keeps the cat food up on a desk in the kitchen. Then the cat sits there & meows to get up or down. We were all feeling bad for the cat, thinking she was gonna land on all 3’s! Debi then told us how this is all a cunning rouse to make us feel bad for the cat – she can actually get up & down all by herself!

Crack angel! During the course of the evening w/ the “Angel Raid” going on, those who were lucky enough to not hit center right around the end of the night were taking desperate measures to NOT have their angel stolen. Phyllis was threatening to hide hers up her ass. This was after she threatened to lick it & Peg didn’t care, she would take it anyway & just “wash it off”!

Orange paw! After the 1st cover all, Debi busted out some Cheetos (like we hadn’t eaten enough already). But, who can pass them up. We were all trying to be careful not to get “orange paw” all over our cards, chips & dimes.

EATING TIPS FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Special thanks to Lori (& Phyllis) for this one:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy! Have one for me. Have two.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same goes for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.

11. Remember this motto: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"

Merry Christmas to my Pokeno Sisters! It’s been another wonderful year packed full of fun, excitement, Mysteries, dimes & lots of good goodies to eat! I’m looking forward to 2011 when I’m sure there will be much of the same. Until next year, may the foxiest bitch win!

November 2010

This year, we went over the river & through the woods all the way to PA for our Thanksgiving party. Patt hosted a very relaxing evening. Debi brought an enormous bottle of wine as Patt’s hostess gift. Later in the evening (about ¾ of the way through the bottle) Patt noted, “The wine’s really good, it just makes you call bad”! And call bad she did…but you can read all about that part later! Oooooo…..suspense……

We started around 6-ish & wrapped up the first hand in just 29 minutes! Lori says, “That’s because I don’t fuck around”! Indeed! Before we started playing – after stuffing our faces w/ stuffing, turkey, pineapple pudding, sweet potatoes, 2X baked potatoes & green bean casserole – Patt thought the overhead light was too bright and we played by candlelight. It was very rustic! I wonder if that’s what the original Pokeno Pioneers did at the first Pokeno Thanksgiving. We did our only cover all around 8:30 to have apple crisp & coffee/tea. Marge, who had been losing all night (and whining about it) managed to win the cover all on her own. The rest of us needed the card on the very bottom!

Unfortunately, all of the Pokeno Sistas couldn’t be in attendance this month. Peg wasn’t feeling well & instead of bringing her germs with her to the party, she stayed home. Lori fixed a big plate of goodies to drop off on her way home. But, how she could drop off the package without getting sick herself? Kate offered a wet nap. Why is it that the wet nap is packaged just like a condom??? That’s it – the wet nap will fend off anything…wing sauce, baby puke, and the common cold! Just not any STD’s!

MYSTERY BOX

What could be in the Box this month? I don’t know! Marge kept us in suspense with her Mystery until Lori won. Inside was stuff to keep you warm this winter: soup/bowl, candle, peace mug, cocoa, hat/gloves/scarf combo. So you can burn a candle while wearing your hat/gloves/scarf as you eat some soup – in the bowl, and wash it all down w/ a mug of hot cocoa! Lori’s now responsible for the December Mystery. What could it be? I don’t know! Guess you’ll have to wait for the party…

HAVE YOU BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE?

Another year has come & gone…can you believe it? Debi will once again be hosting our Holiday shin dig, only this year, it’s in Jersey! Ho, ho ho, who wouldn’t go to Debi’s house on SATURDAY, DECEMBER 11TH @ 4PM. Fill your sleighs with the following: cash for pizza (great idea Kate!), munchies/dessert, your Pollyanna gift, and a festive holiday spirit!

RANDOM FUNNIES

What the hell is that? During Lori’s lightning fast calling session, she said this after getting confused about what card she was looking at. Turns out it was a 2 of clubs!

Don’t sneeze! You’ll wake the baby! All night, Nathan was being uncooperative. The photos accompanying this Rag are the only 2 times he wasn’t crying! At one point, I thought he was gonna fall asleep while the ladies were chilling by the fire in the family room. Silly me!!! They were all trying to be quiet & kept shushing each other. Kate said she felt like she was @ a slumber party! It was right around then that someone sneezed! This prompted Patt to utter the opening line. Nathan was determined to be a Pokeno Party Animal no matter how many times you shushed yourselves or stifled your sneezes!

Other crap Patt said! Once in a while, we have a shining star amongst us. This month, it was Patt! You may remember my tease in the opening paragraph that the enormous wine made Patt call enormously bad. It was so bad in fact; we almost made her forfeit calling the cover all. She did manage to get through, but not before dropping the following gems. King of…shit! Nope, that’s a club! Later on, it was, King of Queens? Nope, that’s a diamond! And, I’m pretty sure that was a TV show too! Not very long after we stopped laughing @ that one, she called “Flush!” Upon further examination, she said, “No, but I REALLY want one!” It was so funny, we couldn’t even fine her! Lesson learned? Beware the giant wine!!!

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT THANKSGIVING

Special thanks to Patt for this submission:

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Its COOL WHIP time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst.
5. That's one terrific spread.
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn. You'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open, and stuff it in!
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow! I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

I’m thankful to have finished another gobbler edition of the Rag. See you in this spot next time for all the Holiday festivities. Until next time, may the foxiest bitch win!