January 2011

Happy New Year!!! Once again, we celebrated @ the Tiki Bar. 2011 started off with much drama & a few sisters short. The stupid weather people called for “snow showers” & arrangements were made to accommodate that. However, the stupid weather people lied & it was just cold instead. Patt was running late (imagine). Peg showed up & I asked where Lori was. Unfortunately, she was at the hospital w/ her ailing father. She was missed, but we all agreed that she was doing the right thing! Then Debi showed up & informed us that Marge wouldn’t be coming for whatever reason. So, with just the 6 of us, we played on… Debi hit 3 pots in a row! A few rounds later, Peg did the exact same thing! Peg won the 1st cover all & Phyllis won the 2nd one. We wrapped up at some point (don’t remember when) and went home. Bellies full & good time had by all! Way to start off the New Year!

We dined on many an appetizer. We had crab nachos, sausage & cheese balls, broccoli/ham/swiss ring, pot stickers, shrimp Rangoon-type things, fancy brie & olives, summer sausage/cheese/crackers, nuts & fruit dip. Patt was supposed to bring fruit & Debi was gonna bring the dip, but at the last minute, Patt pulled out her inner Martha Stewart & whipped up a lovely meat/veggie/cheese in a pastry ring! Wow! Cosmo provided cocktails & chocolate liqueur candies. Even in Lori’s absence, she sent 2 bottles of champagne along w/ Peg so we could have a nice pre-game toast.

As mentioned previously, there was much drama @ the table. I’m sad to report that Lori’s father did in fact pass away over Pokeno weekend. I’m also sad to report that not only did she lose her dad, but her cat died last week too! That’s like some bad country song… Another feline fatality was Debi’s cat. Then Kate piped in about how her step-mom’s cat met the big yarn ball in the sky last week too! What the hell is going on around here? Spanky was having her own issues! First, her heater crapped out, and then she wound up w/ a whole laundry list of feminine-related issues. Let’s hope that’s all the drama for 2011. We got it all out in the first month? Whaddya think?

MYSTERY BOX

The very first Mystery of the New Year was provided by Juggs. She apologized in advance for her “haphazard” Box. But, given the crazy week she had, we all understood! Peg was the big winner! There was a bird theme to it. Debi said this was very fitting in memory of her late bird-watching cat. There was a bird nest on top of the box. Apparently, bird’s nests are “good luck”! Maybe that’s what led to her winning the 1st cover all… Inside the box there was a cardinal table pad; notepad; bird feeder & suet. There was also lotion; Chap Stick; a candle & hot cocoa to use while bird watching!

SUPER COMFY LOVE

Our Valentine party will be held at Phyllis’ on SATURDAY 2/12 @ 5:00. She’s having a “super comfy” theme. Come in your comfy clothes & bring your favorite comfort food to share.

SHOUT OUTS

Here’s a big ol’ happy birthday shout out to Patt who turned…um…something at the beginning of the month. What’s the worst thing about birthdays? People who insist on singing (badly) to you & feel the need to mock the aging process by actually asking you how old you are… What’s the best thing about birthdays? A trip to the beach & winning @ Pokeno!

RANDOM FUNNIES

This month, it’s more like – “Crap Cosmo Said”! First up, she won flush, but took 4 corners instead! I can see where that could be confusing since they both start w/ an F… Phyllis called her a “retard”. Peg immediately started telling Spanky she wasn’t being very nice. Then there was debate over what to call the “Pokeno challenged”. At the end of the debate, Kate settled on “Ree Ree”!

Later in the evening, she shouted “Boo-yah!” after winning Flush & Pokeno at the same time. Her new name should be “Talkalottasmack”!

Cheers to my Pokeno Sisters & a bright, shiny new year! May our dimes be plentiful, our cocktail glasses & tummies always full, and our spirits high! Until next time, may the foxiest bitch win!

December 2010

To quote Mr. Tom Petty…”it’s Christmas all over again”! For the 2nd year in a row, Juggs hosted. Only, this time we didn’t have to drive to DE! We travelled jollily to her “homey” home to hang out w/ 5 cats, 2 dogs, exchange some gifts, eat some food & eventually play some cards! We ordered pizza & wings and there was also a veggie tray, spinach dip, cherries, Cosmos & cookies. As usual, nobody left hungry! After some of us got lost in Chiselhurst (after Kate tells us, “I always get lost in Atco”), we fired up the handy dandy GPS & made it to the party right around 4:20. We were hanging out for at least an hour before I even started taking notes. Much of that time was spent snacking and….yadda, yadda, yadda…some things are just completely unfit to print! We started our first hand @ 7:30! Debi was first caller & dropped the cards twice! After the 2nd dropping, she passed calling duties to me. Patt passed her call too so Spanky could call even sooner! At one point during the evening there was a very rare moment of silence! This is such a rarity that I had to note it. By this time, everyone was crashing from the sugar in the cookies & we were trying to regain conciseness w/ some coffee. As everyone was in their holiday food coma, someone was actually paying attention! Believe it or not, it turned out to be Lori! Its good when @ least 1 outta 8 is on the ball!

During this time, Debi announced her “Angel Raid”. She tweaked the idea that Spanky uses @ the Toga Party & passed out angels for a center instead of panties! You were only allowed to have 1 angel @ a time, but if you hit center, you could exchange an angel w/ another sister (more about that later). At the end of the night, we got to take our angels home as a lovely parting gift. Another “gift” from Debi was the party poppers. We all gathered them up to pop in unison, but Peg & Kate were scared it was gonna be too loud & plugged their ears. Even w/ 6 of us popping @ same time, it was about as noisy as a cheek pop! Inside the packages were party crowns, a tiny toy & lame jokes (not fortunes)! We all took turns reading our jokes aloud. The poppers were a big hit! Cosmo was noted to keep winning center all night! We called our 1st cover all around 9-ish when some “hostess luck” paid off & Debi won the cover all by herself! Marge, Peg & Lori left after that. The rest of us hung around for another round & split around 10-ish. A very festive time was had by all! Thanks again to Debi for being such a wonderful hostess.

MYSTERY BOX

Lori was responsible for the Jolly Old Mystery this month. Being the hostess paid off for Debi who was the big winner. Phyllis wanted to note that she was “bamboozled again!” after Deb originally picked 2 cards & we made her do-over, she pulled the Ace to beat Spanky’s King. There was a Santa theme to the box. Inside the giant Santa-wrapped box were a bunch of smaller Santa-wrapped gifts. There was a lump of coal; Santa mints; Santa Pez; Santa stocking w/ mini candy canes. We were chuckling over the size of the canes when Phyllis told us, “It’s not the size – it’s the tricks it can do!” That led to about 10 mins of hysterical giggling around the table. When we had regained our composure, Debi continued unwrapping to find: lollipops; Chocolate Santas filled w/ caramel & marshmallow. Then someone said, “Tis the season to share”! Deb shared them w/ Patt & Peg. Then there were a pair of Holiday socks, hand towel & mat. After the mat, someone said, “Santa can look at your crotch while you do the dishes!” More laughter…someone added, “What if she uses as a shower mat?” Even more laughter!!! Now, Debi will be responsible for the first Mystery of 2011.

APPARENTLY WE WERE ALL “NICE”

It may have taken 45 minutes, but we all managed to exchange gifts in an orderly fashion. I think everyone got what they wanted! Here’s the run-down: Debi had Phyllis. She got an AMC gift card & sparkling cinnamon candle. Phyllis gave Lori a box of super-great chocolates & bottle of orange vodka. Not sure how the 2 of them would taste together… Lori had an interesting predicament. She had her slip, but the person who filled it out forgot to sign her name. It turned out that person was Cosmo! She got cookies, a bunch of candles and (the most important thing) something hand-crafted. Lori gave Kate a framed version of a similar paper she did for all of us that had our best traits listed. Kate had Debi. On her slip, Deb asked for wine & “a massager like Phyllis”? What? Apparently, during the Halloween party, Deb showed everyone Phyllis’ neck wrap thingy – but Kate didn’t remember. So, Kate had a little fun…she wrapped a hand pump box w/ stickers & tags that said “Dilldoe”! Inside the box was actually a bottle of wine. In another box was a real massager too! I had Peg. Her Pollyanna slip said, “You know me well enough by now…” So, I went w/ a coffee theme. There was a French press; asst. coffees; Tastykake; mug & candle. Then, Peg had me! I got everything on my list! Bag of Doritos & Coca Cola; candles; and a gift card for Old Navy! Patt lost her slip & didn’t know who she had! She saved her gift for last & turns out it was Marge. She gave her a really funny card; angel & Wood wick candle. In another switcheroo, Marge had Patt! She gave her some books & jigsaw puzzle of boathouse row.

5…4…3…2…1…HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Is everyone ready for 2011? Come ring in the new year @ Cosmo’s Tiki Bar on SATURDAY 1/15. Cocktail hour starts @ 5:00. Game starts around 6-ish. Kate promises a “short man in fancy dress”. Not an actual dress… Bring your favorite appetizer to share and get ready to win or lose for the first time in the New Year!

RANDOM FUNNIES

The handi-capable cat! Debi is quite the animal lover. As noted in the opening bit up there, she has 5 cats & 2 dogs. One of the cats only has 3 legs! Debi keeps the cat food up on a desk in the kitchen. Then the cat sits there & meows to get up or down. We were all feeling bad for the cat, thinking she was gonna land on all 3’s! Debi then told us how this is all a cunning rouse to make us feel bad for the cat – she can actually get up & down all by herself!

Crack angel! During the course of the evening w/ the “Angel Raid” going on, those who were lucky enough to not hit center right around the end of the night were taking desperate measures to NOT have their angel stolen. Phyllis was threatening to hide hers up her ass. This was after she threatened to lick it & Peg didn’t care, she would take it anyway & just “wash it off”!

Orange paw! After the 1st cover all, Debi busted out some Cheetos (like we hadn’t eaten enough already). But, who can pass them up. We were all trying to be careful not to get “orange paw” all over our cards, chips & dimes.

EATING TIPS FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Special thanks to Lori (& Phyllis) for this one:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy! Have one for me. Have two.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same goes for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.

11. Remember this motto: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"

Merry Christmas to my Pokeno Sisters! It’s been another wonderful year packed full of fun, excitement, Mysteries, dimes & lots of good goodies to eat! I’m looking forward to 2011 when I’m sure there will be much of the same. Until next year, may the foxiest bitch win!

November 2010

This year, we went over the river & through the woods all the way to PA for our Thanksgiving party. Patt hosted a very relaxing evening. Debi brought an enormous bottle of wine as Patt’s hostess gift. Later in the evening (about ¾ of the way through the bottle) Patt noted, “The wine’s really good, it just makes you call bad”! And call bad she did…but you can read all about that part later! Oooooo…..suspense……

We started around 6-ish & wrapped up the first hand in just 29 minutes! Lori says, “That’s because I don’t fuck around”! Indeed! Before we started playing – after stuffing our faces w/ stuffing, turkey, pineapple pudding, sweet potatoes, 2X baked potatoes & green bean casserole – Patt thought the overhead light was too bright and we played by candlelight. It was very rustic! I wonder if that’s what the original Pokeno Pioneers did at the first Pokeno Thanksgiving. We did our only cover all around 8:30 to have apple crisp & coffee/tea. Marge, who had been losing all night (and whining about it) managed to win the cover all on her own. The rest of us needed the card on the very bottom!

Unfortunately, all of the Pokeno Sistas couldn’t be in attendance this month. Peg wasn’t feeling well & instead of bringing her germs with her to the party, she stayed home. Lori fixed a big plate of goodies to drop off on her way home. But, how she could drop off the package without getting sick herself? Kate offered a wet nap. Why is it that the wet nap is packaged just like a condom??? That’s it – the wet nap will fend off anything…wing sauce, baby puke, and the common cold! Just not any STD’s!

MYSTERY BOX

What could be in the Box this month? I don’t know! Marge kept us in suspense with her Mystery until Lori won. Inside was stuff to keep you warm this winter: soup/bowl, candle, peace mug, cocoa, hat/gloves/scarf combo. So you can burn a candle while wearing your hat/gloves/scarf as you eat some soup – in the bowl, and wash it all down w/ a mug of hot cocoa! Lori’s now responsible for the December Mystery. What could it be? I don’t know! Guess you’ll have to wait for the party…

HAVE YOU BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE?

Another year has come & gone…can you believe it? Debi will once again be hosting our Holiday shin dig, only this year, it’s in Jersey! Ho, ho ho, who wouldn’t go to Debi’s house on SATURDAY, DECEMBER 11TH @ 4PM. Fill your sleighs with the following: cash for pizza (great idea Kate!), munchies/dessert, your Pollyanna gift, and a festive holiday spirit!

RANDOM FUNNIES

What the hell is that? During Lori’s lightning fast calling session, she said this after getting confused about what card she was looking at. Turns out it was a 2 of clubs!

Don’t sneeze! You’ll wake the baby! All night, Nathan was being uncooperative. The photos accompanying this Rag are the only 2 times he wasn’t crying! At one point, I thought he was gonna fall asleep while the ladies were chilling by the fire in the family room. Silly me!!! They were all trying to be quiet & kept shushing each other. Kate said she felt like she was @ a slumber party! It was right around then that someone sneezed! This prompted Patt to utter the opening line. Nathan was determined to be a Pokeno Party Animal no matter how many times you shushed yourselves or stifled your sneezes!

Other crap Patt said! Once in a while, we have a shining star amongst us. This month, it was Patt! You may remember my tease in the opening paragraph that the enormous wine made Patt call enormously bad. It was so bad in fact; we almost made her forfeit calling the cover all. She did manage to get through, but not before dropping the following gems. King of…shit! Nope, that’s a club! Later on, it was, King of Queens? Nope, that’s a diamond! And, I’m pretty sure that was a TV show too! Not very long after we stopped laughing @ that one, she called “Flush!” Upon further examination, she said, “No, but I REALLY want one!” It was so funny, we couldn’t even fine her! Lesson learned? Beware the giant wine!!!

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT THANKSGIVING

Special thanks to Patt for this submission:

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Its COOL WHIP time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst.
5. That's one terrific spread.
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn. You'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open, and stuff it in!
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow! I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

I’m thankful to have finished another gobbler edition of the Rag. See you in this spot next time for all the Holiday festivities. Until next time, may the foxiest bitch win!

October 2010

It was remarkably warm for a mid-October evening! But that didn’t stop us from breaking out the costumes for our annual Halloween Spooktacular @ Spanky’s! Here’s a run-down of this year’s cavalcade of silliness: Spanky (drums), Cosmo (guitar) & I (singer) were a package deal as “The Manhole Maidens” rock band. Phyllis made a stamp & stamped up her shirt/boots. She also crafted up a chain so she could be more like her drummer idol…Animal from The Muppet Show. Kate rocked a Mohawk, animal print, pleather & a bandoleer of bullet shots. I just threw on some crap & made myself blond for the evening. Lori came as a “Fisherwoman” complete w/ giant stuffed fish. She stayed in her outfit long enough to take pictures & changed because she was overheating. Marge was a “Ninja”. Her costume could’ve been interpreted a few different ways. Please refer to my photo comparison quiz over there on the right side of the page; you’ll see what I mean. Peg dressed up as a “Black Ghost”. Why do they always have to be white? Patt & Debi came as “Pop-Eye” & “Extra Virgin Olive Oil”. They’re always so creative w/ their costumes! A great time was had by all – that’s the best “treat” by far!

Speaking of “treats”…Spanky had 2 extra treats for us this year. First was her “Guess the Number” game. There was a bunch of candy corn in a jar. Phyllis passed out personalized slips for us to make our best guesses. She said whoever came closest without going over would win. Lori wanted to know if this was like “Price Is Right” rules so she could bid $1. I’m sorry, but the price is wrong!!! Lori also made a crazy guess of over 2,000 or something. I figured it wouldn’t be that high as Phyllis just can’t be bothered with counting all those corns! My guess was 315 so I was the closest! I won some delicious candy corn cookies & decorative Halloween plate. I offered the cookies to the ladies, but there was so much other stuff to eat that nobody touched them. So, I shared the cookies w/ my neighbors & kids the next day. After the game, Spanky had written a spooky poem for our listening enjoyment! It was called “The Night before Halloween”. It was chock full of maggots & steaming bodies…oh my!

All this talk of maggots made everyone hungry, so we ran to the kitchen to dine on Chicken Parm, Hot Cheesy Spinach dip, Pasta, Salad, Mummy Dogs & Devilish Eyeball Eggs. After stuffing our faces with real food, we moved on to the goody table. Over there was punch, candy, witches fingers, Cheetos, chocolate covered pretzels & Oreos. Debi couldn’t keep away from the Cheetos! Every time she would put them back on the goody table, they would mysteriously show up on her card, her chair, etc. Was it a ghost from across the street having a little fun, or maybe it was that sneaky Chester Cheetah! As usual, everything was super yummy & everyone was quiet for a few minutes while chewing. Then we got on with the game. We did 3 callers with a cover all, and then another 2 callers before the final cover all. The 1st one was a 3-way split. Then we broke for coffee & cupcakes by Marge. By this time, I was so hopped up on sugar that I can’t remember who won the last cover all.

MYSTERY BOX

Peg was responsible for the Halloween Mystery. And what a Mystery it was! Again, we had a tie. This time it was between Marge & Spanky. This is the 2nd month in a row where Spanky has been all tied up! And it’s now the 2nd time in a row where she’s lost out. Inside the Boo! Bag & recycled “Happy B-day/Halloween” paper was a bunch of spooky ingredients: Tarantula egg, Lizard fat (butter), Bat Blood (vanilla extract) & a container full of ingredients that couldn’t be revealed under penalty of death! All of the spooky ingredients were followed up with a recipe for sugar cookies & Halloween cookie pan. Marge will be responsible for providing the next Mysery. Ooh, maybe it will be some delicious cookies…

COME BE THANKFUL

November means it’s time for our annual Thanksgiving Feast! We will gather together @ Peg-a-la’s on SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 20TH. It will be the usual fare of turkey, potatoes, sides & dessert. If memory serves me correctly (which is a 50/50 shot) it was too warm for a cozy fire last year. Maybe we’ll get to use it this year.

BREAST AWARENESS

As you probably know if you’ve watched TV, listened to the radio, or been overwhelmed at a grocery store awash in a sea of pink – October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Marge even worked a pink sash into her “ninja” costume! Patt & Debi are doing a cancer walk this month. As soon as they mentioned it, we leapt for our wallets to cough up donations. Various sisters managed to scrounge up $20. Patt said that all of her winnings from the game would also be donated. She won $23 for a grand total of $43 in donations! That might cover 1 very small boob! But, every boob counts!

Speaking of boobs… Marge & I recalled how hard it was to see Patt suffer back in the day. So I am very pleased to announce (drum roll please…) that Patt has been cancer-free for the last 17 years now! Hip hip hooray!!! We’re all very glad she’s still around to crack jokes, drive like a maniac & drop the F Bomb.

RANDOM FUNNIES

Pollyanna! For the first time ever in Pokeno history…we managed to pick Secret Santa’s without any issues! Hooray! There were no do-overs, no self picks…nothing! Way to go ladies!

Tongue Twister! Cosmo was complaining all night about being the “Itty Bitty Titty Committee”. Later on – not sure what exactly spurred it, but it turned into an Itty Bitty Titty Committee Shitty Pity Party! Don’t try to say it 5 times fast; you might break your lip and/or tongue.

Joke! After the Pity Party mentioned above, we were all laughing so hard that Kate needed a tissue. She delayed the call in order to take care of business, but it was taking forever! I guess she was still laughing or side tracked or something (imagine)! So I told her to make it dance & put a little boogie in it. This is a joke I remember from Kindergarten & everyone starts laughing. I’m glad that some “old school” humor can still bring a chuckle to the table.

Surprise! It was Kate’s turn to call. She was doing her usual hold up the card thing. We were glad she did because she called “7 of Diamonds” and we all started to tell her no when she said, “Surprise! It’s a Jack, not a 7”! I guess when you’re having so much fun that you send photos to the wrong people…7’s can look like J’s too.

Chalk up another memorable Halloween Spooktacular. Thanks again to everyone for putting effort into your costumes & thanks to Spanky for being such a wonderful hostess! Get ready to fast for the week before the Thanksgiving Feast so you have enough room for all the deliciousness. I’ll meet you in the buffet line! Until next time, may the foxiest bitch win!

September 2010

You know summer is officially over when we have our party @ the Tiki Bar. We (Roger) grilled up kebobs that I helped assemble alongside “Iron Chef” Phyllis who’s showing me how she busts out her Wolverine claws (w/ skewers) to do 3 at a time! In addition to the kebobs, we had fruit/veggies, pasta salads, jalapeño poppers, and other various snacks. We wrapped up first round sometime after 9 when we had coffee & brownies. Marge, Lori (taking ½ of the cover all) & Peg left after that. Leftovers were Deb, Patt, Kate, Phyllis & I. We carried on till around 11 and called it a night. A super swell time was had by all!

MYSTERY BOX

September’s hostess w/ the mostess (Cosmo) was responsible for the Mystery Box. Everyone picked a card – including Patt. Last time, she said she was removing herself for the next 3 Boxes! The cards were shown. It was a tie between Phyllis & Peg! The duel was on (insert wild west scene w/ tumbleweed blowing through here)! They drew again & this time, Peg was the winner! Before Kate passed along her gift, she warned that part of the Mystery was en route from China. Of course it showed up 2 days later, but Peg will have to wait to get that part at the next party. Anyway, inside was all about relaxing. There was a spa light, box of Calgon & a “Frankie says relax” sign. With all the drama Peg’s been having lately, it couldn’t have gone to a more deserving sister! I’m sure she’ll have something extra spooky & mysterious for October.

HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR @ SPANKY’S

It’s hard to believe that summer is over. Even harder to believe than that is the fact that our annual Halloween bash will be held (at Phyllis’ of course) SATURDAY, OCTOBER 16TH @ 6:00. Costumes are mandatory! Last year we had a “male” stripper, condiments, ghouls, cats, devils, witches & kegs (oh my)! I wonder what’s in store this year… Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll be great! On the menu is Bloody Bat Wings (Chicken Parm), Spiked Eyeballs (Cherry Bombs) & some sort of prebaked desert, Mummy Dogs, Artery-Clogger (Cheesy Spinach Bacon dip), Salad Bar, and assorted candy.

RANDOM FUNNIES

Friggin’ Lighter!!! Turns out, I was the only person at the table with a lighter. For some reason, it wasn’t behaving & didn’t always make fire. I got so frustrated that I shook it violently & said “friggin’ lighter”! Click – it worked! Wow!!! Later on, Lori needed to use it. She clicked a few times, shook it around, nothing. I told her she should try the “friggin’ lighter” thing. She did & voila! Let there be light! We all had a good laugh. A little while after that, Marge needs it. I told her she had to say the magic words for it to work. She made a feeble attempt & nothing! I told her she had to do it w/ gumption! After I said it correctly, it lit for her too! So, remember, if you ever need to use my lighter, you will have to ask its permission first!

Don’t Steal My Money!!! After winning 4 corners, postage & Pokeno all in a row, Deb needed to lie down for a few minutes. I guess all the excitement got to her! So, she goes to lie down & we break for a moment. She then decided that she’ll just “pass” the next few rounds. Marge offered me up to watch Deb’s card. I was having a hard enough time w/ my own card – thank you very much! Some wiseass said we can just take your money… Well, Deb was coherent enough to hear that one & hollered out to not steal her dimes. We played on while she took a break – without taking any of her hard earned money. A few rounds later, she was back & kicking our asses again…

Warning!!! Over the years, you slowly get to know all the little dark corners of your Pokeno sister’s minds. Some corners are scarier than others. Much later in the evening, while the leftovers were playing, someone said, “We’ll see”! Oh no you didn’t!!! Phyllis freaked out about how much she hates when people say that. In particular, her mom used this phrase a bunch while Phyllis was growing up! So, please, for future reference, don’t use this phrase around Phyllis or she’ll get very upset!

Here’s one last tootle-loo to summer 2010! Here’s looking forward to trees changing color, getting presents & hopefully no more blizzards! Until next time, may the foxiest bitch win!

August 2010

It’s once again time to indulge in our annual summer Toga party. It was made even more interesting this year with the addition of our birthday party. Our special 2-fer party was a big success. Phyllis fired up the grill for burgers & dogs. She also made a side of fried tomatoes w/ gravy. Debi discovered that if you added a fried tomato to the burger, it was even better! Kate provided cool, refreshing strawberry daiquiris for everyone. Marge & I brought salads (pasta & potato). Peg tended a milkshake bar for dessert (excellent idea). Patt & Debi brought a fruit tart. Phyllis made a birthday cake (we all sang along) with our logo on top.

For a party that was supposed to start @ 4…we didn’t even start playing until 8:00! We wrapped our evening up around 11:30. Peg wasn’t feeling so hot. She only lasted a few rounds, and then went to crash out w/ Nathan in the living room. We had lots of daiquiris to drink (alcohol makes Kate lucky) & gifts to open. When everyone settled in, the game flew by. We got all the way ‘round the table & had one big cover all. Phyllis got to call the cover all, but complained the rest of the time because she really wanted to call!!! We know, we hear this line every single game. And, every time we remind her that there’s an order. I think it was Debi who recommended we change her name from “Spanky” to “Skippy” because if she didn’t stop whining, she was gonna get skipped all together! I neglected to note who won at the end of the night, so hopefully you remember. At the end of the evening, Phyllis handed out home-made bath fizzies. Peg handed out little goodie bags w/ hand sanitizer, candy & dimes.

FOOD BUSINESS & FUN

In that order – do NOT attempt to stray! I already noted the food stuffs in the first section up there. Then we moved onto business. We discussed our September plans, did the Mystery (see section below) and then…dun-dun-dun-FUN!!! That part consisted of making Lori an official Pokeno Sister! It was her 1 year anniversary with us & all our craziness, so it was time to make her take the oath. Phyllis made Peg walk Lori outside to the front door (just like we all had to do). Lori told Peg she was scared & “why do I always do what Phyllis tells me”? Inside, we greeted Lori w/ hoots & hollers. Phyllis greeted her w/ a fishy hat & a paddle. After Lori stated her name & took the pledge, she was given her official Sister Name of “Giggles”! Phyllis also provided her w/ a replica scroll of her pledge & a commemorative mini-paddle w/ her name on it. There was so much fun to follow from this point that I had to break it down into categories!

Gift Exchange - After we were done torturing Lori, we exchanged gifts. Phyllis had Lori. She got a really lovely Pokeno bag! Inside the bag there was a change container (Pokeno Moola), magnetic wand & “magic” chips. Lori had me. I got a giant box w/ a 12-pack of Coca Cola, earrings, random lime & two 40’s! One of Corona & one of Bud Light w/ the lime already in there! I had Kate. She got a pan of brownies, K magnet, Twizzlers, best friend charm & a Cosmo painting. Kate had Marge. Her gift was wrapped in sunflower fabric, topped w/ silk sunflowers & held together w/ safety pins (how cute). Inside was her favorite perfume – Navy. Marge had Debi. After much running around to find her #1 request, Marge wound up getting her a bottle of wine from the liquor store around the corner! Deb had Peg. She handed off a lovely Victoria’s Secret bag. Peg was expecting lingerie, but…surprise! It was a Pokeno bag w/ wand, chips, ceramic seahorse & surprise gift! How does one use a “surprise gift”? Luckily, there were directions on the back! 1. Break water bag inside the gift w/ both hands completely. (Ed. Note - the last time I broke a water bag, a baby came out) 2. Shake the gift a few seconds, and then throw it away 3. Wait for a few seconds & you’ll get your surprise gift! This sent the whole table into fits of laughter! Throw the present away??? Surprise! It’s trash! Those Chinese & their sense of humor! Then we thought if we read the instructions like a fortune cookie by putting “in bed” after. But, that only worked for step #3… Peg had Patt. She gave her a goody bag w/ dimes, a beautiful turquoise cuff (see photo) & gift card for Barnes & Noble. Patt had Phyllis. It was a shiny silver bag w/ a card on the front labeled “Maturity”. That one’s for Spanky? Are you sure??? Inside the bag were “Eat Pray Love” & some other book. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the Karma Sutra.

The Panty Raid - There were a pair of thongs (or were they dental floss?), a pair made of candy & some other cute ones. The Baby Phat panties made a comeback too. Phyllis had them first & put them on to show off her MC Hammer moves. Someone asked, “Are they really panties made for 2”? Later in the evening, Marge was chilly & Patt (who had the giant panties @ the time) lent them to her to keep warm. Not really sure how well the sheer panties did with that, but we all had a good laugh. Patt had a bunch of panties later in the evening & declared herself “the underpants gnome”. If you don’t watch South Park, you don’t get the joke, but I’ve put a visual aid over there on the side. Debenhams! This was the actual tag inside one of the pairs of panties that floated around during our raid. Patt had ‘em for a while when someone mentioned something about “right handed boyfriends”. I honestly don’t remember why this was said, but I’m sure I wrote it down for a reason, so hopefully one of you fine ladies gets that joke… Another funny was someone (can’t remember who) had a pair of panties & said “look at the pretty BLOW on the front”!!! What kind of panties are these anyway??? No, no, no…she meant to say BOW. I can see how one might make that mistake.

MYSTERY BOX

Patt was once again responsible for the Box this month. She says that after this one, she will voluntarily remove herself from the next 3 Mystery drawings. Good, that’ll give the other ladies a chance! I’m sure I’ll be reporting that Patt was the winner again in November/December. But, anyway, this time around, Cosmo was the big winner! Patt prefaced the Box pass off by saying that she wanted to go back to the old days of Pokeno & not do anything over the top, so she picked something to go w/ the evening. Inside the Box (with still recycled paper) was a bunch of BBQ essentials: chef’s hat, sauce brush, cookbook, giant bottle opener magnet & apron.

PARTY @ THE TIKI BAR

September’s party will be “no frills”. So, come to Kate’s house on SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 18TH @ 6:00. The hot tub is up & running, so if you’re interested in taking a dip, bring a bathing suit & towel. Unfortunately, our cards aren’t waterproof, so we actually have to play the game inside the house. Kate will have Roger grill us up some kebobs & we’ll probably have some other face-stuffing goodies there too.

BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUTS

This month, we have 2 of our foxy ladies celebrating birthday milestones. They had to share the tiara. At one point it popped off of Kate’s head. That meant it was Lori’s turn again. Later on, Lori was wearing the tiara & a thong (on her head) at the same time. Cosmo turned 35 this year. That makes her officially in her mid-thirties. I don’t have too much room to bust balls here as I will join her in October. But, another sister is celebrating an even bigger milestone. She’s super swell & nifty! She’s Lori & she’s 50! Here’s to at least 50 more birthdays for both!

RANDOM FUNNIES

Hormono? That’s how Phyllis has been feeling lately. It seemed that everyone was busted up (physically or emotionally) this month. But, Spanky’s sciatic nerve was flaring up real bad. She just got most of the feeling back in her foot/leg a few hours before the party started.

4 in a Corner? That’s how Phyllis referred to her Postage Stamp. As noted above, Phyllis wasn’t feeling like herself this month, so we let it slide. We laughed like hell first, but we let it slide.

Whaddya workin on? All around the table it was “I’m workin on Pokeno” or “I’m workin on 4 corners”. Well, I wasn’t workin on anything so I said, “I’ve been workin on the railroad all the live long day”! Everyone laughed & someone made me write it down so I wouldn’t forget to mention it here.

Bring your own what now? Someone was looking around the table & noted, “Instead of bring your own bottle, it’s bring your own boobs here”! So, please remember that BOB is mandatory for all games!

CITRUS MASQUE RECIPE

From time to time, I like to share beauty tips. For those of you that need a facial purge, try this one. I used it myself & my skin felt great when I was done!
Take 1 Tbsp each of citrus juice (lemon or lime – but not Sprite) & baking soda. Mix up really well. It will fizz like crazy for a minute, but that’s what it’s supposed to do. Wait for the fizz to die down & slather the paste all over your face. Let it sit for 20 mins & rinse. Your face will be squeaky clean & lemony fresh!

See, I put the masque thing at the end so you could read the whole Rag before accidentally squirting lemon juice in your eye, thus, temporarily blinding you. Sorry bout that… Well, until next time, may the foxiest bitch win!

June 2010

I’m baaaaaaaaaaack bitches…..I mean…”ladies”….. Can I just take a moment here to tell you how nice it was for me to be at the table again! It was just what I needed. I felt much more “normal” (if that’s possible) after an afternoon of fun & frivolity with my Pokeno Sisters. Everyone was in attendance this time around so it made for a very fun time. Patt would like to request that from now on, the Tea Party starts @ 2pm instead of 1. That’s fine since most of us didn’t show up till around then (if not after) due to traffic & power outages. As if the back to back blizzards we had over the winter weren’t bad enough, now we have to deal w/ months-long heat waves & crazy thunderstorms! We didn’t even start playing until 3:39! Thanks, Mother Nature!!!

Debi’s house took a battering during a storm a few days before our party. She lost a bunch of trees & had no power or water! On top of that, she’s hosting her daughter’s wedding reception (in her busted up yard) in a few weeks! Patt & Marge to the rescue! They went over to help clean up. Reports are that 1 week before, all is looking good. The yard may look swell, but looks like guests will be sweltering in the 100 degree heat they’re predicting! Deb wanted to note that she did have just enough water to shower before the game – much to the delight of those sitting on either side of her. But, she couldn’t dress up/do her hair due to lack of power! Near the end of the game, she got a call telling her the power was finally back on after 3 days.

We arranged the cups in a most fun way this month. Patt put them on her lazy Susan in the middle of the table. Some put in normally while others took the opportunity to play “carnival games” & spin the cups while putting in! This was quite entertaining. Marge & Peg both left their stuff @ home and it turned out to be bad luck for both of them! I don’t think either won more than 1 pot the whole day. Peg learned her lesson & says she’ll NEVER leave the Seahorse@ home again!

The food was delicious as always. We had sammiches, mini baked goods, sausage & cheese balls, pineapple pudding, and some other stuff. It was a bit hot for tea (for some), so Patt made iced as well. Debi realized that if you mixed the sausage balls w/ pudding, it made for a taste sensation! Everyone else tried & agreed w/ her. Weeks before the party, Phyllis was begging Kate to make the chicken curry sammiches. She was going to take one out before it even got into the trunk, but she didn’t. So, the whole drive over to PA Phyllis was dreaming of spicy chicken. We started eating & there goes Phyllis filling up the sammich pocket on her lovely sundress! Cleavage is no place for a sammich!!! As you can see, we were all on our most “lady-like” behavior this month.

MYSTERY BOX

Debi was responsible for the Tea Party Mystery. Amazingly, she managed to put something together despite all the issues @ home! The hostess luck was w/ Patt who won the Box for the…oh, I don’t know…millionth time? Seriously, I believe she’s set a record for most wins! Anyway, inside the recycled box was an “Emergency Kit” - cooler packed to the brim w/ goodies. There was a personal fan (missing blades); water bottle; 1st aid kit; light pen; ice pack; aspirin; batteries (for the fan) & hand sanitizer. Debi felt so bad about not noticing the fan was missing blades that she offered to replace it. Instead, she gave Patt $10 to call it even!

GONNA WEAR A TOGA LIKE ITS YER BIRFDAY

After much discussion, we couldn’t all agree on a date that would work in July, so it looks like we’re skipping another month. Next get together will be our annual Toga Party @ Phyllis’ on SATURDAY 8/21. Come @ 4 if you wanna swim. We’ll get down to business around 6:00. Since we have to skip a month, this is a 2-for-1 party because we’ll also be celebrating everyone’s birthday. Don’t forget to bring your gift & be ready to par-tay!

RANDOM FUNNIES

Po-Fucking-keno! There was too much stuff going on at once when Patt hit that pot & that’s what came out. She continued on calling for another round, but it was still too much. So, she passed the cards & the bad chi off to me. I started out strong, but a few rounds in, I totally forgot that I was the one who was supposed to be calling! We sat for a few minutes until I realized where I was & continued on from there.

Sharp as??? A bowling ball? Phyllis came out with this one. There were groans/chuckles around the table when she followed it with “Butter me up, I’m on a roll”! Oh boy…

I’m sure there will be more groaners to come in August. Until next time, may the foxiest bitch win!